Dealing with Difficult People

      Everyone has someone they consider difficult in their life. It could be a demanding boss, overbearing parent, selfish spouse or rebellious teen.  How do we deal with these individuals?
      First, embrace humility. I am embarrassed to admit that it was not until I was an adult and married with children that it even occurred to me that for some people I was that difficult person. I have a visionary, hard driving, type A personality coupled with a spiritual gift of leadership. I consider all these things to be strengths, but any one of these can rub some people the wrong way. When I find myself in a difficult relationship it’s best to start with looking in the mirror to discern my contribution to the challenges.  The Scripture teaches us to “be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2).  Notice that this wisdom calls us to humility first.
      Second, explore the story of those you are struggling with. Even in good marriages most have moments where even our spouse feels like the difficult person in our lives.  Over the years my wife and I have had conflict over my messiness. I honestly did not get it, thinking what is the big deal? It was easy to react to what I viewed as controlling behavior until, it finally hit me one day that my wife grew up in a home with a violent, out of control father.  In her story “messy” meant mayhem, violence and extreme danger. What I viewed as a minor flaw in myself was a serious trigger for her that left her feeling unsafe and out of control. Today I work hard to keep our common areas orderly.  My closet and home office are still messy, but that disorder is behind closed doors. My car can get messy but if I know my wife will be riding with me, I make the effort to clean it up. It is helpful to keep a posture of curiosity about the challenging people in your life; there is often more to the story.
      Third, prayerfully establish effective boundaries. Every situation is unique, but generally speaking it is unwise to give money to a person who is struggling with addiction.  I have watched heartbreaking situations where parents have had to tell their young adult, addicted child who keeps stealing from them to leave their home.  Whatever boundaries you establish will require brave, challenging conversations to establish them and enforce them. You do not have to answer your phone every time it rings. There are some people who have a different definition of “emergency.” Often you learn that it is acceptable to wait two or three days to return their call, the “emergency” has been resolved and you have avoided stepping into unnecessary drama. The Bible says, “if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 2:18). Notice the implication is that it is not always possible. There are times to walk away from someone temporarily or even permanently, but it is rare. Our culture is quick to say someone is “toxic” or a “narcissist.” Be careful with that attitude. We are all broken and sometimes we are the difficult people to live with. Some of my richest and most important relationships at one time or another have had painful seasons.  
     Remember that a perfect and holy God finds all of us to be difficult at times.  Yet surprisingly, He continues to love us fiercely. Let’s do the same. 
Pastor Derek Dickinson